


I see you, I see through

by Sir_fucks_up_a_lot



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Suicide Attempt, Thor Needs a Hug, Thorki - Freeform, Warning: Loki, they both do actually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-23
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-10-23 02:34:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10710378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sir_fucks_up_a_lot/pseuds/Sir_fucks_up_a_lot
Summary: In which Thor figures out that Loki is alive and Loki tries to get Thor to kill him.





	I see you, I see through

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Beautiful Mine" by The Butterfly Effect (not inspired by, I'm just bad at titles and it was in a playlist ).  
> I have no excuse for this...this is completely self-indulgent *throws bad fic at you guys and then runs far, far away*

There was an immense sense of satisfaction that came with jamming one of his knives into Thor’s side and hearing him yell out pain as he fell down unto the mossy forest floor.

Loki kicked him for good measure and savored the sight of Thor writhing in pain as his chest heaved in short pained gasps. And yet…and yet when Thor looked at him there was a look of betrayal on his face, as if though he hadn’t expected Loki to stab him, as if though he still held some hope that the Loki he had called brother was still in him, somewhere.

Thor did not reach for Mjolnir. He simply gazed up at Loki with those wounded blue eyes that held not an ounce of hatred. Betrayal and pain, yes, and fear but no hatred, not yet anyways.

Fool.

Thor should be recoiling in horror, hurling insults at him, reaching for Mjolnir to finally deliver the finishing blow. Loki could almost feel it; the crushing force Mjolnir shattering his ribs, the weight of Thor’s hateful glare as he looked upon the worthless creature he had slain, could almost feel his blood pooling in his lungs, perhaps this time he might even manage to stay dead…

He trembled with how much he _wanted_ it.

He should have never survived Svartalfheim, had not, in fact, intended to. He had meant every word that he had spoken to Thor with what he thought had been his dying breaths and it had been _perfect._ Unfortunately, death had a way of avoiding him and so here he was, hurting Thor again and hoping that Thor would hurt him back.  He wondered how hard he could push Thor before he snapped.

He realized that a few moments had passed and that Thor was still merely looking at him clutching his wound and waiting for Loki’s next move. Loki offered him a knife-sharp smile and stalked towards him and this seemed to finally shock Thor from his stupor as he tried to scramble away from him, though his movements were largely hindered by the wound in his side.

_Yes, fear me brother. You should have run a long, long time ago._

Loki let out a mirthless laugh as he crouched down to straddle Thor’s waist in a cruel mockery of intimacy and Thor grunted in pain as Loki settled himself over him.

“My, my Thunderer, you really do not know when to stop prodding do you? Although, I probably should have expected it…what was it that you told me on Svartalfheim? _‘Surrender is not in my nature?’”_ How unfortunate for you…”

“Loki-“

“Ah ah ah! I did not give you permission to speak son of Odin, “Loki purred as he nicked the tender flesh of Thor’s throat with his blade.

Of course Thor was not cowed and he simply growled as he tried to shove Loki off of him.

Loki sank two fingers into the wound in Thor’s side with a vicious snarl.

He did not relish Thor’s near howl of pain and so he pressed a hand to Thor’s throat to cut off his scream. Thor made a small hacking noise and squeezed his arm, and when Loki did not relent his grip on Thor’s throat he began hit him in an effort to make him let go.

And yet, he did not call for Mjolnir.

Loki growled and flinched back just in time to avoid a fist to the face and moved his fingers from Thor’s side to wrap them around his throat along with his other hand and _squeezed._

Thor’s eyes flew open, his mouth opening in desperate attempt to suck in more air to his lungs. His expression was one of complete shock and fear as he gripped at his forearms, wet choking noises escaping his mouth. Perhaps platitudes but Loki couldn’t quite tell, it could have been his name.

Thor’s face, Loki calmly noted, was turning an interesting shade of purple.

By now Thor’s eyes were half shut in pain and watering, from pain or foolish sentiment Loki knew not, and his grip on Loki’s forearms had slackened.  Soon, Loki suspected he would run out of air and die or else call Mjolnir to him and choose to live. Loki let another five seconds pass before removing the pressure on Thor’s neck intending to only let him catch his breath.

Of course, Thor took the opportunity to slam his fist right underneath his sternum, effectively making Loki lose both his grip on him and his breath for a second.

That was all Thor needed.

Suddenly Loki found himself flipped on his back. Disoriented, he made to grab his knives but before he could stab them into some unfortunately sensitive part of Thor’s anatomy he found his wrists pinned above his head by one of Thor’s strong hands. He snarled, digging his nails into the meat of Thor’s hands but if he felt it Thor’s expression gave nothing of his pain away, if anything his grip on Loki’s wrists tightened, making the bones grind together and nearly forcing a pained hissed from between Loki’s teeth.

Thor was absolutely and gloriously _livid_ , practically _glowing_ with anger. The sky above them thundered ominously.

“No Loki,” Thor bit out, his face mere inches away from his, and _oh_ if those two words didn’t rankle. He suppressed the urge to flinch, the memories of those last moments before he had dived into the void surging up in him like bile. He had never intended to resurface, never intended to return, much less to _Thor_.

 _You seem to have awfully good luck with that do you not?_  Loki thought wryly.

“No, Loki,” Thor repeated, although this time the words sounded more choked out, as if though Loki’s fingers were still wrapped around his throat. There were tears slowly trickling down to Thor’s beard and Loki couldn’t fathom _why_. This…this was not the reaction Loki had been hoping for.

Thor let out a shaky breath, looking as if though he might plead with Loki again and Loki _knew_ that he couldn’t let him, his composure might falter if his brother spoke another word, in fact Loki knew he would shatter underneath it like fragile glass. And so, before Thor had the opportunity to speak Loki turned his head and bit down on the tender underside of Thor’s arm hard enough to draw blood.

Thor yelped, his grip on Loki’s hands slackening just enough for Loki to slip them free of his grip before smashing the top of his head in the general direction of Thor’s face. There was the sickening _crunch_ of cartilage giving away and then a spray of blood across Loki’s face which had gotten in his eye and hurt bad enough for him to believe it could blind him. He sensed, more than saw, Thor jolt to his feet with a pained gasp and took the opportunity to hook his ankles around Thor’s to bring him crashing back down.

And then the _real_ fight began.

There were no knives, no hammer, simply the blunt force of Thor’s, surprisingly, defensive moves and Loki’s sharp angles against any of Thor’s soft bits that he could reach. It was vicious and uncoordinated and for all that also brutally effective. There was something about being able to fight Thor like this, honestly and without his knives or magic, it felt purifying and Loki could feel his rage slipping away despite the violence of it.

And yes, it was satisfying being able to harm Thor when he did not have the advantage of his mighty hammer. Oddly enough, it reminded him of their younger days, when they were equals.

The nostalgic feeling evaporated when suddenly Thor flung him over his shoulder and onto the ground. Loki gasped as he felt all the air leave his lungs, momentarily stunned and incapable of movement.

He heard the sound of Mjolnir being summoned and thought _this is it_.  He could see Thor bringing it down on him and so he braced himself, breath caught in his throat. Everything seemed to have slowed down and he found himself paralyzed, _this is it_ , he thought again through the fog in his head.

But instead of the final blow that he had been expecting Mjolnir was placed lightly, almost gently, on his chest.

Loki stared up at Thor’s grim face, uncomprehending. And then he realized.

He jolted, momentarily forgetting that he could not move and spat out a few unsavory curses that likely would have earned him a smack to the head from Frigga if she had ever heard them leave his mouth.

This earned him no reaction from Thor who simply grimaced, from pain or displeasure Loki could not tell, before turning around and sitting with his back to a tree and pressing his cape to his wound to stem the flow of blood, although Loki imagined that his healing would have taken care of the worst of it by now.

For a long moment they merely stared at each other and then Loki let the corners of his lips hitch upwards in a sardonic smile.

“What, not going to kill me Thunderer? That is foolish of you.” Thor did not react, not even a flinch.

“ _Or_ ,” Loki purred out with cruel grin,” perhaps the mighty Thor is not half as mighty as he thinks he is. Is that it? That you are so cowardly that you cannot even bring yourself to slay the beast of this story.” This at last made Thor flinch, a look of pure horror shadowing his face, and Loki latched onto that.

He cackled, “Didn’t you say that you would slay them all, the monsters that is? And yet here I am, at your mercy, and you’ve merely restrained me! You are just _full_ of false promises are you not?”

“You will not goad me into fighting you,” Thor murmured.

“Won’t I,” Loki exclaimed mockingly, “So what will you do with me? You cannot hold me here forever, you will need your hammer _someday_ , and you cannot just simply sit there for the rest of your days waiting for me to see the light, you have to end it _somehow_ ,” Loki finished quietly.

“No.”

“You know how this story ends Odinson,” Loki screamed, feeling the cold tendrils of despair clutching at him. “You know how this will end, one of us must die at the hand of the other! So why prolong the inevitable, you should do it while you have the chance, I will not be overcome so easily next time.”

“You are wrong brother, so wrong. I will not kill you.”

Loki cackled, a high shrill sound, betraying his despair, “Well then that just leaves _me_ to kill _you_!” Still, Thor said nothing. “Tell me _Thor_ ,” Loki spat out his name like the blackest of curses, “would you be so quick to spare me if I hurt those who you cherish? If I told you I have _fantasized_ about it?” This at last made Thor jump to his feet a horrified and thoroughly panicked look on his face, “You would not dare! Loki those people have not done anything to you, our quarrel is ours and ours alone!”

 _Is it really? They stole you from me, did they not? Changed you when I could not,_ Loki thought, amused.

Loki lowered his voice, as one would when revealing some perverse secret, “I want to turn your beloved mortal inside out, I would keep her alive whilst I pried her open to hold her heart in my hands and I would tell her how _you_ , her beloved shining prince, refused to save her. How you let me escape despite having had me completely at your mercy! She would scream out your name and beg for death! And finally, when I have completely desecrated her I would grant her that sweet mercy!” Loki grinned up at Thor again, “I might even be gracious enough to deliver her mangled corpse at your door.”

“Loki stop,” Thor’s voice sounded oddly small.

“And what of your Midgardian heroes? I wonder how long it would take for the little hawk to break when I make him mine again-“

“ENOUGH,” Thor screamed, an awful broken sound.

“This is my promise to you my dear brother, release me and I will destroy everyone you have ever loved, I will ruin your beloved mortals so completely that their shades will haunt you to your grave,” Loki snarled.

“You won’t,” Thor said quietly but his voice wavered with doubt.

“Are you really going to gamble with their lives and for someone who cannot be saved anyways?”

“Cannot or will not,” Thor said sharply, “I know you Loki, and the brother I knew would _never-“_

“But that’s just it isn’t it,” Loki said softly, “the brother you _knew_ and even then I could argue that you never knew me at all.”

Thor opened his mouth and then suddenly shut it again looking pensive. “Very well then have it your way.” And then he summoned Mjolnir to him and…set it aside to lay beside a tree stump. Loki flipped over onto his stomach, confused, would Thor kill him with his bare hands?

But Thor merely spread his hands in an inviting gesture, “I am at your mercy then.” Loki stood up carefully, not understanding, Thor could not possible mean-

“What,” Loki near whispered,” Thor what are you-“

Thor met his stare defiantly, “You claim to hate me and you threaten to kill all those I love, you renounce my love for you and our brotherhood and you say that there is but one path for us to walk. You say that one must die at the hands of the other and since I will not kill you and neither will I allow you to harm those I love, I am at your mercy.”

Loki offered him a false sharp smile,” Oh? And how do you plan to protect your precious mortals from the grave? You have no guarantee that I will not harm them after I am finished with you.”

“I know you won’t,” Thor said quietly, “you wouldn’t do so without an ulterior motive.”

“You presume too much Odinson,” Loki snapped. The fool, the _fool_.

“Perhaps,” Thor said quietly.

“Fight me,” but Thor merely shook his head. “Damn you,” Loki hissed, “ _Damn, you!”_

“You know, it is curious,” Thor murmured, “You claim to hate me but you have not made a move to kill me yet and earlier you could have damaged something vital, I know you know how, but you didn’t. One might be inclined to think that you are not serious about killing me brother, or about carrying out your other threats.”

“Be silent,” Loki said, he was trembling, breath coming in short ragged gasps, but the cogs of Thor’s mind were turning now and he would not stop until he had flayed away all of Loki’s lies.

“You are not trying to kill me I think, no…no you are trying to get _yourself_ killed, although I do not understand why by my hand-“

“SILENCE,” Loki screamed, lunging forward to slap a hand over Thor’s mouth. Thor fell back onto the floor and Loki fell with him, looming menacingly.

“You understand _nothing_ ,” Loki hissed into Thor’s face. “ _Would_ understand nothing even if I-“

Loki’s voice suddenly died with a strange choking sound. He realized that there were fresh droplets of water on Thor’s face. They did not come from the sky.

Thor removed Loki’s hand from his mouth, oddly gentle, and intertwined their fingers for a moment before placing Loki’s hand on his chest right over his heart. When he spoke his voice was low and soft and calming, “I was glad when I knew you were alive,” and _oh_ how Loki wanted to shake him, make him see reason, scream in his face all the reasons why he shouldn’t have been but Thor did not stop there. He raised his other hands to gently to clasp his neck, the gesture an echo of simpler, happier times.

Loki made to jerk away but Thor held him firmly, his thumb moving in a slow soothing gesture. “I see you brother. I _see_ you, aye I do not understand everything about you but…I would like to. If you would let me.” Loki held back a sob although there was probably no point in doing so as Thor would have felt it surge up in his throat anyways. He pressed his brow to Thor’s in acknowledgment instead with a shuddery exhale and let his eyes drift close. They stayed like that for a few moments, merely breathing each other’s breath, almost calm, before Thor broke the silence.

“This does not mean I am not angry at you,” Loki nodded,” I know.”

“It can wait.”

They did not rise until the skies had cleared. 


End file.
